I guess every silver lining has a cloud...

just wish it didn't take so long to realize...

Winter is yet again upon us.  My favorite time of year, and yet somehow, the most depressing in my year...  It feels almost foolish, here I've been given everything in life and more, never having to truly strive or fight for anything, but I still find a way to wallow in self-pity at events that ordinarily bring me so  much happiness.  My eyes are wider than any child's at the first snowflakes of December, but how quickly I delve into cursing all the snowflakes that could have fallen, nearly forgetting why I love the snow in the first place.  Also, Winter always has a way of bringing me face to face with the one thing I fear most in life: death.  For the second holiday in a row, I've lost a friend, and for the second holiday in a row, I struggle to realize "wow, they're gone..."  My spirit turns inward and reflective, my mind begins to flood with thoughts of mediocrity, shortcomings, imperfections, flaws, blemishes; tears fall and I stop to wonder if they're even mine, then quickly scold myself for making such a ridiculous statement.  How does that I love and await s much find a way to pit me even against myself?  It is in this time I seek the most solace in the friends who've grown near, but is this more because I fear losin them or somehow going a seperate way from all of them, only to have new friends the next year, or merely because I lack the strength to cope with the small stuff on my own?  This beautiful time, celebrated for so many reasons, especially those in my spiritual life, and yet, I always leave in the same shell shock of fear, doubt, sadness, and oddly enough, joy...  How is this at all possible?  Maybe I'll never know.  I'll just keep sloshing through these feelings and ideas on my journey to that which will ultimately complete that part of myself I've yet to form.  At the end of this, maybe I'll understand...  "It's been a long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last..."     

That's all for now kids

Monkey